London Hurts

retracing my steps while counting small coins with panic firing my heart

-----------------------------

 

An 83 year old widow wearing a cardigan and unable to sleep for fear of an internal cardio

defribulation

Looks out between the gap in her curtains

3 am off the Holloway Rd

She sees me stagger

And shout

Fuck the polis

As I play an invisible guitar

On the traffic island

And try to kick the passing cars

(when I was 7 my elderly neighbour gave me biscuits and enjoyed me with such a smile I knew love existed beyond our four walls)

Louise in spasms of tears

Her wet visible emotions

She doesn’t understand me

Her friend pushes me out because he has stability

The door glass feels my energy and gives up being a window

Ill get ye ill get ye ill get ye

My blood my forehead

(the same bloody forehead that was pushed out into the world with the power of my mother’s self-sacrificing heart)

Hard wooden floor

A shoe pillow to comfort the edges of my space

The last can of Super lager

Bukowskis Bluebird

Balanced upon it

To stop the alcohol evaporating away

( and I think of the young boy, sweet ginger wine, the promiseof Christmas eve, pyjamas )

 

Twisted fractal of misfiring muscle

Spluttering inefficient thickened blood-pump

Possibly closing in final seizure?

Memories unable to take me away

From this ever present, alternating current

This running from last night

This electric mystery

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Enough

I don’t know where it fits

When it fills, how it satiates

That sense of saturation

Beyond good feeling

I feel like more

Wanting to hold on to it

But not being held by it

Can’t get out the process

Processing getting out of it

Clutching at chemicals

Wanting that reaction

Getting harder to create

Catching no contentment

Too conscious of trying

Bypassing

Passed beyond and missed it

Missing it during it

Not getting it

Others and memories

Yesterday in spite of it

Is sending an invite to it

Ive been it and ive seen it

But now I just dont get it

I knew it

and blew it

I just cant get enough

 

 

Now

 

Time Passes

And lo it came to pass that it passed

And is gone

Remembered as a paradigm

That we shifted and shift still

The weatherman says things are different now

Choose a forecast and stick to it

Take the batteries out of your clock

Say hello to your dog

Occupy the space

between the tic and the toc

Meditate with eyes wide open

Like your life depends upon it

And don’t forget to write

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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